


Makes You Wanna Live

by idKyanite



Category: Andi Mack (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Roommates/Housemates, Coming Out, Drunken make-outs, I will add more tags as I go to avoid spoilers, M/M, NEW TAGS:, References to Sex, TJ is oblivious and so is Cyrus, TWs will be in the notes of each chapter if applicable and in the tags once the chapters go up, Underage Drinking, background Andi/Amber, background Buffy/Marty, non-explicit sexual situations, unhealthy eating habits
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-08-09
Updated: 2020-07-06
Packaged: 2020-08-13 07:35:22
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 10,296
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20170552
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/idKyanite/pseuds/idKyanite
Summary: Oh my god they were roommatesOtherwise known as a roommates-in-college AU peppered with actual plot sometimes.This story is very loosely based off songs by Cavetown.





	1. Lemon Boy

TJ’s mom placed a kiss to his cheek and said goodbye before leaving him alone in his newly-decorated dorm room. He had just finished moving in, but his roommate was nowhere in sight. It seemed he had already finished moving in and said goodbye to his family before TJ even got there.  
  
TJ sat on his bed and looked across the room at Cyrus’ side. He saw a poster above the bed; it featured a patchwork house that read “Home”, but he didn’t recognize the art or what it might have been referencing. Next to it was a haphazardly-put-together collage of photos of Cyrus and, presumably, his friends and family. On his desk laid a laptop, several textbooks and novels, and a blue pencil cup with a little pride flag amongst the assorted writing utensils there. His bedding, a matching light blue, was in stark contrast to TJ’s red and black plaid.  
  
TJ looked back at his own wall. It was mostly blank, save for the thermostat. He had originally thought about hanging up a few posters and playbills, but he forgot to bring blu tack, so they remained stored in a box under his bed.  
  
He took out his phone and opened Instagram to, once again, look at Cyrus’ profile. He had probably scrolled through it twenty times without actually following him. There wasn’t very much personal information in his bio other than his pronouns and his graduating class. Given that he and Cyrus did not talk much before moving in, TJ only knew that he was a film and psych double major and that he was gay. The latter admission had been followed with “Is that okay?” Of course, TJ responded affirmatively.  
  
TJ scratched the back of his neck, feeling a little guilty. He hadn’t confided in Cyrus about his same-gender attraction, but then again, he hadn’t told anyone, really. He shook his head and tapped the follow button. He figured it was fine now that they were about to meet each other. He proceeded to scroll down through all of Cyrus’ posts, making sure not to like anything more than a week old.  
When he reached the bottom, he closed Instagram and pulled up one of his playlists. He put his headphones on, laid down, and listened to the opening chords of “If These Sheets Were States” by one of his favorite bands, All Time Low, before he closed his eyes. 

\---

TJ didn’t realize he had fallen asleep until he woke up. His hour long playlist was almost finished when he opened his eyes to find Cyrus, he hoped, sitting cross-legged on the bed across the room. TJ sat up so quickly that his headphones slipped off. He felt his cheeks heat up with embarrassment. _He had been sleeping when his roommate came back.___  
  
Cyrus looked up from the book he was reading and smirked. “I see you’re not dead. That’s always good!” He got up and walked over to TJ with his hand outstretched. “I’m Cyrus.” His smile seemed genuine.  
  
TJ reached over and shook his hand. “TJ.” When he met Cyrus’ eyes, TJ’s cheeks started burning even more. He remembered finding him attractive when he looked through his Instagram photos, but he was so much cuter in person. The camera didn’t do his eyes justice.  
  
Cyrus looked down and pulled his hand back. TJ panicked a little, wondering if Cyrus noticed his blush and got uncomfortable.  
  
“I was just about to head to dinner. I was gonna go eat with my friends, but you could tag along?” Cyrus met his eyes again. “We could get to know each other a bit better?”  
  
TJ bit back a sigh of relief and smiled in a way that he hoped looked casual. “Sure! Sounds good.”

_ __ _

\---

Throughout dinner, TJ tried his best to avoid looking at Cyrus too much, but it proved much more difficult than expected. Every time Cyrus laughed, he found his eyes drifting towards him. Even when one of his friends was talking, TJ’s eyes were on Cyrus. Every once in a while, he would find Cyrus’ dark brown eyes look up and catch him before he could rip his eyes away, and every time his cheeks burned a little hotter.  
  
He tried paying attention to everybody else, learning their names and following the rapidly changing subjects from snippets of conversation. From what he gathered, Buffy, Andi, and Cyrus were best friends, and Buffy was dating Marty. Marty and Jonah were roommates, and all of them had been friends since middle school.  
  
He was too focused on Cyrus to get much else information on the rest of them, if he was being honest with himself.  
  
After dinner, he found himself drained from a long day of moving, but that didn’t seem to matter to his RA, who called a mandatory floor meeting.  
  
He sat on a couch with Cyrus, Marty, and Jonah, who turned out to be his suitemates. It was too small to fit all four comfortably, but with the limited seating in the floor lounge, they decided to sit there anyway-- which meant that Cyrus’ arms and legs were squished up against his own. TJ both cursed and thanked any gods that might have been listening for his current situation.  
  
His thoughts were interrupted when a person with a familiar sweep of blonde hair walked in, to his surprise. He hadn’t known Reed even applied to UMWS, let alone got accepted and came. He went to duck his head, hoping Reed hadn’t seen him, but he was too late. Reed looked over and smirked at him, raising one eyebrow, before sitting down with a brunette boy-- Lester, he recalled-- on the window sill. TJ pushed down the feelings of sadness and frustration that were creeping up on him in time for the RA, Coda, to clear their throat and start going over the rules of the floor. TJ zoned out after they started talking about places to eat on campus. He was too tired at this point to pay attention to anything that wasn’t completely necessary, and he could always just pick up a map or ask Cyrus, who seemed to be absolutely enthralled by Coda’s words.  
  
The meeting went on for another half hour, during which TJ had to stifle several yawns. When it was finally over, he stood up immediately and started heading back to his room. Once back, he automatically took off his shirt and pants, forgetting where he was in his stupor. When Cyrus walked in on him in only his boxers, his eyes went wide before averting them. He stuttered out a “Sorry” and TJ’s cheeks burned, yet again. He thought to himself that this had to be some kind of record.  
  
“I’m sorry, I should’ve asked if you were okay with me sleeping in my boxers first.” It comes out faster than TJ had been intending. Cyrus looks back up, pointedly not looking at anything but his face, and said, “Sure. That’s totally fine.” He then went to the bathroom to get dressed, leaving TJ alone to ruminate briefly over his own stupidity. He’d only just met Cyrus today and he’s already made a fool of himself, and likely made Cyrus uncomfortable accidentally. _Stupid!___  
  
Cyrus came back out wearing sweatpants and a t-shirt with the word “Cavetown” on it and got into his bed. TJ was too tired to ask what that meant, so he just walked over and turned off the lights at Cyrus’ go-ahead.  
  
He got into bed and wondered what Cyrus must think of him. He was almost asleep when he heard Cyrus utter a soft “Goodnight, TJ.” TJ smiled to himself at the sound of his name.  
“Goodnight, Cyrus.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading! This is my first ever posted fic, so the chapters are short, but I really hope you liked it!  
Follow me on tumblr @duskrelyk if you want!
> 
> A very special thank you to my betas, strawberryjehan and nomoreweepinganymore on tumblr! And also my sister, who doesn't have a tumblr and has never seen Andi Mack, but she means well.  
xoxo
> 
> This chapter is based very loosely on the song Lemon Boy by Cavetown.  
The music video can be found here:  
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-itZVX-SUkI


	2. Perspective

**August******  
_“You should really listen to him, his music is amazing!”_  
  
Cyrus’ smile at the prospect of introducing TJ a new artist had been adorable. It was almost too much for him to handle. How could TJ say no when Cyrus looked so excited? When Cyrus went to class and TJ had some free time, he opened Spotify, put on the Cavetown playlist that Cyrus had made for him, put on his headphones, and laid down on his bed. No distractions.  
  
The title of the second song on the playlist caught his attention. 16/04/16 (Jack’s Song)...  
  
They were playing tag in the playground during recess. TJ ran after Jack. He always ran after Jack. His little legs moved faster than his classmate’s so he was able to tag him easily. TJ had run a little too fast, though, because the abrupt stop caused him to trip and fall into Jack. When they hit the ground, it had hurt, but they both couldn’t help laughing. Butterflies filled his stomach.  
  
When the song ended, TJ hit replay. He listened closely to the lyrics and came to a very sad conclusion. He found himself crying, and he felt guilty for feeling lucky that his own friend Jack had only moved away, when the artist-- Robbie-- lost a friend.  
  
He could feel the fondness and love Robbie had for his friend, and it suddenly hit him that, in retrospect, TJ had definitely had a crush on that boy. He had always assumed Reed had been his first crush, but the signs were there. The butterflies. The uncontrollable smiling. The fondness. As he got older, those feelings evolved to include nervousness, warmness, and deep caring.  
He felt the same way about Cyrus.

\---

**September**  
When TJ got back to their room, he walked in on Cyrus with headphones on, singing to himself while copying over his psychology notes. For a while, TJ just stood there listening to him. He recognized the song from the Cavetown playlist Cyrus had made him. Of course he recognized it. He’d been listening to the playlist pretty much nonstop since that first time. Cyrus wore one of the several pairs of lounge pants he always changed into when he was studying in the room. He had a paper bag with a bagel on it placed on the desk, and he seemed to be eating it slowly but surely. A coffee cup sat empty next to it, the creme frappuccino having been finished quickly, as always seemed to be the case with Cyrus. TJ laughed a bit too loudly, and Cyrus started, turning around quickly.  
  
Cyrus grinned widely. “TJ!” He glanced at the alarm clock. “You’re back early. Don’t you have math class, like, now?”  
  
TJ grinned back. “It got cancelled, thank fuck.” He flopped down on his bed. TJ absolutely despised his math class. He was only taking it to meet the gen ed requirement needed to graduate. “I figured I’d come back and practice my monologue for Intro to Acting, if you don’t mind. I have a test soon.” He propped himself up with his elbow and continued. “If you’re not too busy, I could really use your help, you know, as my audience. See if I get all of the lines right and shit.”  
  
“Sure!” Cyrus closed his notebook and went to sit on TJ’s bed, next to him, cocking an eyebrow in question to see if it was okay. TJ nodded. This was fine. Everything was fine. More than fine, even. _Cyrus Goodman is on my bed._ He pushed that thought away quickly.__  
  
He fished out the monologue from his backpack and handed it to Cyrus. “Let’s check for memorization first, and then, if I get everything right, I’ll get up and perform it for you.”  
  
TJ thought he caught a dusting of red bloom across Cyrus’ nose, but he turned away, smiling, too quickly for TJ to be sure. He decided not to get his hopes up and began reciting the monologue.

_ __ _

\--- 

“You’re an amazing actor, TJ! I could really feel how tormented the character is, and you played with all the conflicting emotions exceptionally well!” TJ smiled. He knew that Cyrus’ words of such high praise were undeserved, but he felt better about his stumble-through, nonetheless. His stomach gave a little jolt when Cyrus got up from the bed and hugged him. He could feel his heart beating against his rib cage, and he was sure Cyrus could feel it, too.  
  
Cyrus pulled back, still smiling. “You should totally be in my final project for film! I could use a great actor like you.”  
  
TJ’s face burned as he said, “Okay.”

\--- 

TJ loved learning new things about Cyrus. His favorite color was blue, like his bedsheets. He had a song he sang while swinging, which he found out one night when the whole gang went to the park. He couldn’t cook worth a damn, but he was an avid baker of muffins.  
  
He remembered when he learned that Cyrus was fluent in American Sign Language. Andi had brought her new girlfriend Amber to dinner one day, along with Amber’s roommates, Iris and Libby. Cyrus immediately started having a pleasant conversation with the latter two, signing quickly and silently to them both. Libby signed back, and Iris did, too. TJ later found out from Cyrus that Libby was deaf and best friends with Iris and Amber, both of whom also knew ASL.  
  
TJ smiled to himself while watching Cyrus laughing with them. He knew Cyrus was smart, what with his film and psych double major, so it was no wonder that he picked up languages quickly, too.

\---

**October******  
TJ was woken up rather abruptly when Cyrus jumped onto his bed. “TJ! TJ! Wake up!”  
  
TJ was a little bit annoyed, but the look on Cyrus’ face was endearing. “Dude! I was taking a nap!” He smiled at Cyrus. “This better be important.”  
  
“It is! Here, look.” Cyrus handed TJ a packet of paper. On the top was a big, red ‘A’ with the words ‘Splendid Work!’ next to it. “I got an A on my exam for Abnormal Psych!”  
  
TJ was filled with a sense of pride for the man sitting in front of him. “That’s amazing, Cyrus!” Before he thought about what he was doing, he leaned forward and pulled Cyrus into a hug. Up until then, Cyrus had always initiated the hugs. He stuttered, “Um-- uh-- is this okay?”  
  
Cyrus squeezed him even tighter. “Of course it’s okay, you dork. We hug all the time.”  
  
TJ relaxed into the hug. He felt very warm, and even more safe.

**\---**

“Because I love you!” TJ’s mouth went dry and his hands started shaking after he said those words. He knew it was only a line in the scene he was going over with Cyrus, but he couldn’t help but feel nervous.  
  
Cyrus’ cheeks turned a shade of red, presumably from the absurdness of what he was about to say, and he looked down at the paper again. “I love you, too.”  
  
TJ felt as if his heart was going 100 miles per hour. He couldn’t remember the next line, all he could think about was “I love you” repeating over and over again. He was suddenly struck with a crippling realization. He wasn’t lying when he said those words.  
  
“Um, TJ? Are you okay? Do you need a line?”  
  
TJ snapped out of his thoughts and looked at Cyrus. He was met with a look of concern in Cyrus’ dark brown eyes.  
TJ brought his hands up to cover his face. “Sorry, yeah. Line.”

**\---**

TJ and Cyrus finally got to bed, turned off the lights, and said goodnight to each other. In the dark, TJ had nothing but his thoughts to entertain him. He thought back to earlier that day when Cyrus was helping him run a scene, and he forced himself to face the facts of what he had realized.  
  
He was in love with Cyrus. His roommate… and to make matters worse, Cyrus didn’t love him back. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In which I use snippets of ~love~ so that it isn't that fast of a fall.  
Also, yes, I believe TJ is a crier, don't @ me.  
Follow me on tumblr @duskrelyk if you want!
> 
> Thanks so much more reading, and thank you to my betas nomoreweepinganymore and strawberryjehan on tumblr! My sister also read it, but doesn't have tumblr.  
xoxo
> 
> In case you care, here is the list of majors for the crew:  
Jonah: music  
Marty: sports med/pt  
Walker: art  
Andi: art  
Buffy: math and biology  
Amber: english education → english and dance  
Iris: archaeology/ancient studies  
Libby: social work  
Reed: business bc fuck business majors  
Lester: business (see above)  
Tj: theatre → theatre ed  
Cyrus: film and psychology  
(Sorry if you're a business major, this is a joke)
> 
> This chapter is loosely based on the songs 16/04/16 (Jack's Song) and Intermission by Cavetown.  
The first song is deeply emotional and I tried to be respectful of that in my writing.  
The songs can be found here:  
https://cavetown.bandcamp.com/track/16-04-16-jacks-song  
https://cavetown.bandcamp.com/track/intermission


	3. Something More

Cyrus and TJ were walking back from dinner together in silence. They were so close that their hands and shoulders kept brushing. He wondered what would happen if he had the courage to grab Cyrus’ hand.  
  
His thoughts were interrupted when Cyrus spoke. “Hey, so I have this movie I need to watch for film class by tomorrow. We’re supposed to discuss how sound and lack thereof can be used to enhance a film. It’s called _A Quiet Place_, wanna watch it with me?”__  
  
TJ almost stopped walking completely at the title of the movie. He recognized it as a horror movie, but he didn’t know much else about it. He had never seen it because he wasn’t exactly a fan of horror movies. Too scary. Not that he’d admit it, of course, especially not to Cyrus, because he couldn’t let the guy he was trying to impress think he was a weenie. If Cyrus could watch it, so could he. He tried to sound as nonchalant as possible. “Will there be popcorn?”  
  
Cyrus smiled. “Of course there’ll be popcorn.”  
  
TJ smiled back. “Then I’m in.”

\---

Once TJ and Cyrus were settled onto Cyrus’ bed, a big blanket wrapped around the both of them and a bowl of popcorn between them, they started the movie. It lived up to its name. The characters were barely making any noise at all, and the lack of music during the first few minutes was almost deafeningly quiet. TJ also noticed that, at about ten minutes in, they switched between silence and ambient noises when they were portraying the experiences of the daughter, who was deaf.  
  
A little after that, though, when the little boy was taken, Cyrus’ hand suddenly ended up in TJ’s. He didn’t know who had grabbed for whose, but they were there. _He was holding hands with Cyrus._ They looked at each other in reaction, and TJ found Cyrus’ face was only a few inches away from his own. TJ glanced down at Cyrus’ lips before he could stop himself.__  
  
If Cyrus noticed, he didn’t let on, because he didn’t lean back, or even take his hand away from TJ’s. They gazed into each other’s eyes for who knows how long before TJ wanted to lean in and kiss the man in front of him. TJ then cleared his throat and looked back at the movie. Cyrus followed suit.

\---

They were still holding hands when the movie ended, but their fingers had somehow become intertwined. Cyrus seemed to have noticed, too, because he removed his hand, stretching his arms above his head.  
  
It appeared to TJ that Cyrus was about to go to bed, but TJ needed to distract himself before sleeping, in order to avoid nightmares. As calmly as he could, he suggested they watch another movie. “A Disney movie? Those are pretty chill.”  
  
Cyrus seemed to catch on to TJ’s intentions and smiled sheepishly. “Yeah, sorry, I didn’t realize that A Quiet Place was a horror movie. I just picked the first one on the list he gave us.” They sat in silent solidarity for a bit before Cyrus suggested they watch _Mulan_ on Netflix.__  
  
“Sounds good to me.”  
  
“Fewer nightmares.”  
  
TJ nodded. “Fewer nightmares.”

\---

TJ woke up to the sound of their alarm clock going off. Cyrus’ head was on his shoulder, and TJ was still in Cyrus’ bed. They had evidently fallen asleep while watching the movie.  
Cyrus began to stir. “Good morning, Cyrus.”  
  
Cyrus looked up at him. TJ blushed at the sight of Cyrus’ bedhead. “Morning, TJ.”  
  
TJ gazed down at Cyrus. His brown eyes glowed in the 6am sunlight, and he still had the adorable sleepy look on his face. He wanted to stay there and look at Cyrus’ beautiful face all day, but they both had classes early in the morning. “We gotta get up.”  
  
Cyrus put his head back down and hummed. “Five more minutes”.  
  
TJ laughed and continued. “Come on, Cyrus, we both have class in two hours. We need to get ready and get breakfast.” Then, he did something that took a lot of courage. He reached over and took Cyrus’ chin with his fingers, tilting his face up to look at him. He thought he saw a blush creeping up on Cyrus’ face, but it could’ve just been a trick of the light, or a morning thing. “It’s time to get up, Cyrus.”  
  
Cyrus swallowed. “Okay.”

\---

After classes were over, Cyrus once again helped TJ run lines for his theatre class. It had become something of a routine for them.  
  
He was going through the lines on auto-pilot while thinking about last night and that morning. Did Cyrus love him back? Or at least like him back? Cyrus didn’t pull away when TJ almost kissed him. Cyrus didn’t pull away when TJ intertwined their fingers. Cyrus didn’t pull away when TJ woke up in his bed. Cyrus didn’t pull away when he tilted his head to meet his. Cyrus never pulled away. Maybe he felt the same way.  
  
Cyrus read the line before the confession. “Why are you even here, then?”  
  
“Because I lo--” TJ stopped and looked at Cyrus, feeling the anxiety creep inside him. His nerves were electrified.  
  
Cyrus looked at him with a concerned expression and put down the script. “TJ, you know this part. Is everything okay?”  
  
TJ swallowed. “Cyrus, I need to tell you something.”  
  
“Okay.” Cyrus looked just as nervous as TJ felt.  
  
_Here we go. Tell him you love him. Wait, no, that’s too fast, what if he pulls away? Tell him you like him. Tell him--___  
  
TJ blurted out the next few words in his train of thought. “I’m gay.”  
  
He knew that the silence only lasted a few seconds, but it felt like hours.  
  
Cyrus slowly got up from his desk chair with an unreadable expression on his face. TJ couldn’t help worrying that Cyrus was mad that he hadn’t told him earlier. He chastised himself for thinking that. Cyrus wouldn’t do that.  
  
Cyrus hugged him tightly, and TJ returned the gesture. “Thank you so much for telling me and trusting me with that information.”  
  
TJ relaxed into the hug and laid his chin on Cyrus’ shoulder. “Of course. I wanted to tell you.” He felt his eyes stinging, threatening to let loose some tears, but he wasn’t sad. He was happy, ecstatic even.  
  
Cyrus pulled back from the hug. There was a smile on his face, but it didn’t reach his eyes, which still had that unreadable gaze from before. “Have you told anyone else?”  
  
TJ took a deep breath and shook his head. “Not even my mom.”  
  
Cyrus patted TJ’s arm. “Well, I’m honored to be your first.” His face immediately turned a bright red color as he backpedaled. “I mean, the first person you came out to, not the first person you--”  
  
TJ’s laugh sounded a little too loud as he tried to distract himself from where his mind was now going. “I knew what you meant, Cy.”  
  
Cyrus smiled and leaned in almost imperceptibly. “Cy? I like that.”  
  
TJ thought he saw Cyrus glance down at his lips, but he must’ve been mistaken because Cyrus immediately sat back down on his chair. He smiled again, this time looking distracted. “Okay! Let’s restart the scene.” He grabbed his script and turned to the front page. “You’re definitely gonna get an A on this assignment.”  
  
“Can we take a break, actually? I’m starving.” TJ thought for a moment before continuing. “And it might be nice to tell everyone else, too. At dinner?”  
  
Cyrus looked up from the script again. “Are you sure?”  
  
TJ was sure. He wanted them to know, too. After all, everybody had been so nice to him. “Yeah. I’m thinking we could all go out for food at the nearby Chinese place? I’ve been craving lo mein.”  
  
Cyrus got up again. “Okay! Sounds good. Anything for your big announcement.” Cyrus waggled his eyebrows. “I’ll text everyone and tell them we’re gonna get an early dinner.” He took out his phone and sent a message in their group chat. He waited a bit, and then both their phones started going off.  
  
TJ glanced down at his phone. The chat was filled with words of agreement. “Okay! This is happening.” He was suddenly feeling very nervous.  
  
Cyrus was always good at reading him, and caught on quickly. “Hey, it can be scary, I know, but you know these guys. They won’t think of you any differently.” He grabbed TJ’s hand, much to his surprise. “We’re in this together. Whether you tell them or not, I’ve got you.”  
  
“Okay.” TJ took another deep breath and repeated himself. “Okay.”  
  
TJ looked down at Cyrus fondly. _It’s you. I love you.___

_ __ _

\---

Andi, Buffy, Jonah, Marty, and Amber all joined them to walk over to the Chinese restaurant down the street. On the way, TJ and Cyrus held hands to calm TJ’s nerves. It worked, even though just the other day, holding Cyrus’ hand would have made his heart beat 100 times per minute. Now that he had come out to him, he felt like Cyrus would remain a calming presence in his life. He felt like home. He wasn’t so worried about losing him anymore. Maybe if he told him he liked him, he wouldn’t leave. But that thought was for another time. Today he was coming out to the friend group.  
  
TJ felt glad that he and Cyrus were in the back of the group, because it seemed that nobody noticed the two holding hands. Him being gay was their secret for now, and it felt like the hand-holding represented that personal part that they shared. Just the two of them, at least for now.  
  
In ten short minutes, they arrived at the take-out place. One-by-one, they ordered and paid for their food. As they waited, the group sat down at the tables, and TJ was psyching himself up. Cyrus sat next to him with his hand on TJ’s knee in a friendly, comforting gesture. TJ put his hand on top of Cyrus’ as a way of conveying his thanks.  
  
Once they all received their food, they began to eat. Time passed, and people talked about their days, but TJ remained silent, eating his lo mein and trying to figure out a way to come out. All too quickly, the meal was ending and everyone was reading out their fortunes. His read “A friend will help you”.  
  
He looked over at Cyrus and studied his face as he laughed with the rest of the group. Buffy took him out of his thoughts. “What does yours say, TJ?”  
  
TJ smiled a bit as he figured it out. He pretended to read it as he said, “I’m gay.”  
  
Conversation at the table stopped. Cyrus looked over and squeezed his hand. All was silent until Andi spoke up. “You’re gay?”  
  
TJ popped the fortune cookie in his mouth, chewed, and swallowed in the silence around him before responding, “Yeah. I’m gay.”  
  
This time, his eyes stayed resolutely dry. He believed Cyrus when he said they were in this together, and in his head, he knew they would all accept him.  
  
Jonah was the next to say something. “Okay. Cool.”  
  
Buffy, Amber, and Marty all agreed. TJ smiled.  
  
They all congratulated him on coming out, and Buffy and Andi shared a look that TJ couldn’t quite place.  
  
Soon enough, they all made their way back to campus, and this time Cyrus, Buffy, and Andi were all texting furiously on their phones. TJ asked Cyrus what they were talking about, but Cyrus looked up, stuttered, and said they were talking about movies. “Yeah? What movies?” TJ tried to seem as unsuspicious as possible.  
  
Cyrus turned red and stuffed his phone into his pocket. “Uhh, just like, um. The movies that we want to see coming out soon. Like the documentary about monarch butterflies and the one with the talking animals!”  
  
TJ nodded. “Sounds fun.”  
  
He wondered why Cyrus was lying.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In which TJ comes out! Now, time for angst.  
And yes, I absolutely did choose A Quiet Place because the actress that plays Libby is in it. And what about it?  
My tumblr is duskrelyk. Feel free to say hi!
> 
> A huge thank you to my betas, nomoreweepinganymore and strawberryjehan on tumblr, and my sister, who doesn't have a tumblr.  
xoxo
> 
> Thank you so much for reading chapter three!  
This chapter is based loosely on the songs It's U and Home by Cavetown.  
The songs can be found here:  
https://cavetown.bandcamp.com/track/its-u  
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2APLh8_ExU0 (<-- lyric video! it has a popup book and it's really cool)


	4. Boys will be bugs, right?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: underage drinking and references to sex

Somehow, Amber managed to get her hands on some vodka, beer, and other drinks, so the group decided to have a small party at Amber, Iris, and Libby’s apartment. When they said party, though, they apparently meant ‘game-night with alcohol’, which TJ found out upon his and Cyrus’ arrival.  
  
TJ eagerly headed to the kitchen for a shot to kick the night off. Cyrus followed him, but looked a little out of place. TJ smiled gently. “Have you ever had alcohol?”  
  
Cyrus shook his head, meeting TJ’s eyes with a look of mild embarrassment.  
  
TJ scanned the drinks on the counter and picked up a hard lemonade, handing it to Cyrus. “Here, this might be a good place to start.” He faltered a bit before continuing, “That is, if you want to, anyway.”  
  
Cyrus hesitated slightly before making a decision. He grabbed for the bottle and struggled with the cap briefly before handing it back to TJ,. TJ smiled at how cute that was before opening it and handing it back. Cyrus took a sip, his face contorting slightly. “It tastes like spicy lemonade.”  
  
TJ laughed a little at how cute that description was. “You don’t have to drink it if you don’t want to, Cy.”  
  
Cyrus went red at the sound of the nickname. TJ noted this and smiled to himself. He allowed himself to hope, at least for a little while. Cyrus then shook his head and began to chug the lemonade, much to TJ’s surprise. The act made TJ think things he probably shouldn’t.  
  
“Give me another.”  
  
TJ quickly obliged, warning him not to drink so quickly this time. Cyrus rolled his eyes.  
  
TJ took his shot, wincing slightly at the characteristic burn, and swiped a Smirnoff Ice. They then walked out into the living room where the rest of the group was congregated, chatting in small clusters. Buffy’s arm was slung around Marty’s shoulder, and Andi was lying down on Amber’s lap. TJ glanced at Cyrus and took a gulp of the fruity beverage in his hand. He wished he could do things like that with Cyrus.  
  
Jonah looked up and smiled. “Cyrus and TJ are here! We can start playing now!”

\---

An hour of team-charades later, and everyone was sufficiently drunk for a party. Cyrus and TJ were winning, to TJ’s pleasant surprise. To make matters even better, every time one of them guessed the topic correctly, Cyrus would hug him. It turned out that Cyrus was a touchy drunk as well, because he eventually decided to sit in TJ’s lap during other teams’ turns. TJ couldn’t help but get butterflies in his stomach as Cyrus leaned back into his chest. 

\---

As they grew tired, Cyrus and TJ said goodbye to everyone and left for their dorm, stumbling ever so slightly along the side of the road. They walked and discussed their respective first experiences with alcohol.  
  
As they drew close to their building, TJ stopped. Since he had his arm around Cyrus, he stopped, too, and turned to look at him in question. TJ summoned some courage from the alcohol and asked, “Do you like anybody?”  
  
Cyrus laughed nervously, averting his eyes. “Yeah.” The word hung in the air for a few moments before he returned the question.  
  
TJ answered “yes” without meeting his eyes and continued walking.  
  
He allowed himself to hope a little more.

\---

TJ felt both nervous and elated as he walked alone to dinner with the group. He had been psyching himself up all day, and he finally resolved to ask Cyrus out after dinner. While he couldn't be completely sure that Cyrus liked him, the signs were there, from the blushing to all of the hugs.  
  
When he got there, he noticed something that gave him pause. There were three new people at his table, and one face made him stop in his tracks.  
  
Reed.  
  
He went to turn around, already brainstorming excuses, when Andi shouted his name and waved him over. Cyrus looked up and waved at him enthusiastically. TJ blushed and waved back nervously. He wasn’t going to let Reed ruin his plans for the evening, despite their past.  
  
He walked over to the table and found his normal seat next to Cyrus taken by none other than Reed, and the only empty chair was on his other side. He reluctantly sat down next to Reed and avoided making eye contact with him.  
  
Reed smirked at him. “Hey, TJ.”  
  
TJ forced a smile and replied, flatly, “Hey, Reed. What are you doing here?”  
  
“I’m suitemates with Walker! Andi invited us.”  
  
Andi looked surprised. “Do you two know each other?”  
  
Reed turned toward her and put his arm around TJ, who had to put in some effort to keep himself from shrugging it off. “We went to high school together!”  
  
TJ was a little grateful that Reed decided to keep their past relationship under wraps for now. He wasn’t ready to tell Cyrus about that.  
  
Andi didn’t seem to notice his discomfort, though, and clapped excitedly. “Perfect!” She gestured to Lester and who he assumed was Walker, and introduced them, stating that she met Walker in one of her art classes. Everyone introduced themselves in response, making pleasant small talk. Reed kept his arm around TJ until he finally got up with Lester to go get food. TJ leaned over to Cyrus and asked him, at a whisper, “Can we go somewhere to talk real quick?” Cyrus nodded, and they got up to walk towards the normally-unused bathrooms in the back of the hall.  
  
Cyrus looked worried. “Is everything okay?”  
  
“Yeah.” TJ pinched the bridge of his nose, trying to figure out how to word what he was going to say. “Yeah, sorry. I just needed to tell you this before you found out from anybody else.” TJ took a deep breath and leaned his forehead against the wall. “Reed and I… we used to be a bit of a thing.” Cyrus pressed his lips together and furrowed his brows in thought. TJ clarified, worried that Cyrus was upset. “We just hung out and kissed a few times. It was a while ago, we were, like, fifteen.” He paused, taking in another breath, and studied Cyrus’ face.  
  
Cyrus remained silent for a few moments before saying, “Okay. Fine.” TJ tried to understand what Cyrus was feeling but his expression remained unreadable.  
  
They walked back over to the table in silence and sat down, Reed’s empty seat between them like a wall.

\---

Reed cornered TJ as he was leaving with Cyrus. “Hey, Cyrus, you don’t mind if I talk to TJ for a bit, right?” Reed’s arm was around him again, this time pulling him against Reed’s side.  
  
Cyrus smiled, but it didn’t reach his eyes. “Sure! I’ll just wait over…” he gestured vaguely and disappeared.  
  
Reed let go of TJ and leaned on the wall nearby, turning to face him. “So, I’m down to fuck if you are.”  
  
TJ was shocked at Reed’s forwardness, but kept his composure. “Sorry, but I like someone else, and I really don’t need them thinking I like you.”  
  
Reed laughed. “Yeah, Cyrus, right?” TJ tried to remain calm but felt his stony expression falter. “I knew it. TJ, you’re not subtle at all. But he’d never like you. Besides, he’s obviously crushing on that Jonah kid. I saw the way he was looking at him during dinner.”  
  
TJ scowled, remembering last night. _He’s wrong._ “You don’t know what you’re talking about.”__  
  
Before he could turn to leave, Reed stepped in front of him, backing him into the wall. “Let’s just look at the facts here. I’m hot. You’re hot. I know you’re a good kisser, and I haven’t gotten any in a while. I know you definitely haven’t. Think about it.” He smirked. “There’s a party on Halloween at Lester’s older brother’s frat. Hope to see you there.”  
  
Reed left TJ feeling uneasy and uncertain. He texted Cyrus that he was done talking to Reed. A moment later, Cyrus materialized, biting his lip. “So, do you like Reed or something?”  
  
TJ shook his head a little too quickly. “No.”  
  
Cyrus forced a smile. “Right.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In which Cyrus thinks TJ is lying, and Reed and TJ have a past.  
Follow me on tumblr @duskrelyk !
> 
> Thank you so much for reading chapter 4, and a huge thank you to my betas nomoreweepinganymore and strawberryjehan on tumblr. Also my sister, who doesn't know anything about the show but already hates Reed.  
xoxo
> 
> This chapter was loosely based on the song Boys Will Be Bugs by Cavetown, which can be found here:  
https://cavetown.bandcamp.com/track/boys-will-be-bugs


	5. I like the Sound, I like your Voice, I like your Mouth

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Alcohol/Underage Drinking, Self-Destructive Ideation, Non-Explicit Sexual Situations, Drunken Make-Outs

Cyrus had been busy lately. That is, too busy for TJ, at least. They hadn’t had a real conversation since the day Reed came to sit with them at dinner, and that had been over a week ago. Cyrus still greeted him every time they saw each other, but the amount they saw each other diminished drastically, and they didn’t hug like usual. Something had changed, and TJ didn’t know why. He was miserable and lonely, and to make matters worse, he had a math exam next week to study for, and no one to study with.  
  
The current problem was particularly difficult for TJ, but his professor always stressed how easy the material was. No matter how hard he tried to understand, he just couldn’t. He slammed his pencil down on his desk in frustration. Why can’t I get this? He put his head in his crossed arms just as his phone lit up and made a noise, signaling a message in the group chat. Thankful for the excuse to procrastinate, he opened the chat. Andi was saying that they should all go to the Halloween party at Lester’s brother’s fraternity house that evening. He wondered if Cyrus would go.  
  
As if on cue, his roommate responded affirmatively, along with the rest of the friend group. He felt a small smile tug at his mouth for the first time in days. He texted back a thumbs up and got up to find something acceptable to wear.

  


\---

  


TJ regretted everything. He thought maybe tonight would be the night that Cyrus finally talked to him again, but he seemed to be spending all of his time with Jonah. TJ already wanted to get drunk to ignore the looming math exam and his impending failure, but this would require much more alcohol to forget. And _boy_, did he want to forget the way the corners of Cyrus’ mouth curled when he smiled and the way his head tilted back when he laughed and the way he was touching Jonah and the fact that it wasn’t him he was smiling at and laughing with and touching.  
  
He was already a few drinks in, but he went to the kitchen to take another shot and to get away from the sight that made him feel sick.  
  
Even though he felt like he was drowning, he felt like going deeper.  
  
The vodka burned his throat a little, but he welcomed it; at least it distracted him from Cyrus, if only for a moment.

  


\---

  


Okay, so maybe TJ had too many drinks. Maybe he wasn't thinking straight. Regardless, he knew he had to find Cyrus and kiss him as if it was the last thing he would ever do-- and _fuck_, it just might be, if the way the room was tilting was any indicator.  
  
He stumbled out of the kitchen into the living room, where the music was booming in his ears, and he scanned the sea of people for Cyrus. He eventually spotted him and noticed that Jonah was nowhere to be seen. Now’s my chance.  
  
He dodged the people dancing with their boyfriends or girlfriends or maybe just an exciting stranger to take home for the night, and made his way over to where the shorter man was leaning against the wall, water bottle in hand.  
  
“Hey, Cyrus.” If it came out a bit slurred, TJ didn’t notice.  
  
Cyrus didn’t look up at him, almost pointedly looking straight forward into the crowd. “Hey, TJ. What’s up?” It was a short and unenthusiastic greeting, but TJ was happy to hear his voice anyway. Unlike TJ, Cyrus actually wore a costume, which was pretty impressive given the short notice. TJ noted the red and white shirt, the matching hat, the cute glasses that TJ had seen him wear only when they were in their room. TJ couldn’t quite place the character he was dressed up as-- all he knew was that Cyrus was really cute. TJ scans his face and smiles.  
  
_I really want to kiss you right now._  
  
When Cyrus finally looked up, with a dusting of red on his cheeks and his mouth slightly open in shock, TJ realized he’d said that out loud. TJ leaned in a little, feeling courageous. He was only an inch away, and he started to close his eyes in preparation for what was sure to be the most amazing kiss he’d ever had, but Cyrus abruptly turned away from him, taking another sip from his water bottle. He avoided TJ’s eyes and bit his lower lip.  
  
“No thanks, TJ. You’re drunk.” If he sounded a bit sad, TJ didn’t notice. All he noticed was Cyrus spotting someone, gesturing vaguely in that direction, and walking away, leaving TJ leaning against the wall alone. All he noticed was the sinking feeling in his stomach. All he noticed was the absence of Cyrus.  
  
TJ’s eyes followed Cyrus until he saw him sit next to Jonah on the sofa at the far end of the room. He couldn’t look anymore.  
  
As he turned to go back to the kitchen, he spotted Reed eyeing him, an eyebrow cocked. TJ downed the contents of an unattended cup on a nearby table and made his way over. Reed smirked and opened his mouth to say something, but before he could, TJ pushed him against the wall and kissed him furiously. Reed hummed before threading the fingers on one of his hands through the hairs on the back of TJ’s head and pulling TJ in by the waist with his other hand.  
  
TJ didn’t know how long they had been kissing when Reed’s lips moved to his ear, and he whispered, “Wanna find a room?”  
  
TJ pulled back, glancing over his shoulder at Cyrus and Jonah. To his surprise, Cyrus was looking back at him, an unreadable expression on his face. The other man looked away quickly, turning back towards Jonah. TJ felt the same sinking in his stomach. He won’t care. He likes Jonah. To chase the feelings and the thoughts away, he turned back to Reed and nodded.

  


\---

  


Somehow, they found a room that wasn’t already occupied. Somehow, TJ found that both of their shirts had come off and were strewn haphazardly on the floor, along with their shoes. Somehow, he was on a bed, and Reed was on top of him, kissing him and tracing his fingers down TJ’s bare chest. Somehow, Reed’s knee found its way between TJ’s legs, and somehow TJ’s nails bit into the skin of Reed’s back.  
  
Somehow, even in a moment filled with Reed and Reed and Reed, he thought of Cyrus. How his hand felt in his. How his smile could look so shy at times, and so devious at others. How he helped him run his lines even when TJ knew it must’ve been boring to repeat the same words over and over.  
  
How it wasn’t Cyrus he was kissing.  
  
Despite TJ’s attempts to get rid of the feeling in his stomach, he now felt it in his chest, in his head, in his arms and legs. Why couldn’t he get rid of it? He felt his eyes prickle in warning before he started crying.  
  
He pushed Reed off of him quickly and muttered an apology as he put his shirt back on and left the room.  
  
As he got downstairs, he texted the group chat saying he was leaving and bolted out the door.

  


\---

  


TJ had been walking for what felt like years before he felt so dizzy he had to sit down. He could still hear the pounding of the party music from where he sat on a curb. It made his head hurt, one more thing to add to the overwhelming feelings he already felt. He looked up at the sky and tried to focus on the few stars that he could see, despite the light pollution from the nearby city. They looked blurry, but TJ couldn’t tell if it was from the alcohol or the tears.  
  
Why did he think he could walk all the way back by himself? They only had one designated driver and they all came in one car, so driving back would likely mean they all had to leave, and he didn’t want to inconvenience anyone, but he could’ve just stayed. He could’ve stayed with Reed, and gotten his first time over with, while also pushing away his feelings for Cyrus by feeling something else, something good, with someone who actually wanted him. Or maybe he could’ve chilled in the kitchen, drinking until he blacked out, or at least until everyone else felt like leaving, too. He chastised himself and pulled out his phone to check the time.  
  
It was dead. _Of course it is._  
  
He laughed a little at his misfortune before pulling his knees up to his chest and putting his head down. He started crying again.  
  
He was interrupted suddenly by a familiar voice saying his name urgently. He looked up and saw Cyrus rushing to get out of his car.  
  
Cyrus knelt beside him and wrapped his arms around his shoulders. “I’ve been calling you, trying to find out where you were! It’s dangerous to walk home drunk!” TJ turned to wipe away his tears. He thought he heard Cyrus mutter “I was worried about you,” but it could’ve been the alcohol.  
  
TJ found himself slowly being brought to a standing position, and he distantly heard Cyrus say “C’mon. It’s time to get you home."

  


\---

  


The car ride back to the dorm was silent. The elevator ride up to their room was silent. How they got past the desk staff without being stopped for obvious drunkenness, TJ will never know.  
  
He was being put to bed before Cyrus said anything else to him. “I need to go back to make sure everyone else gets home okay.” TJ made a noise of understanding and turned his back to Cyrus. The lights went out, and he heard a door close behind him.  
  
He was asleep before Cyrus came back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In which TJ experiences Sad Boy Hours in a very destructive way.  
Also: did I make Cyrus dress up like Waldo? Yes, absolutely! And what about it?  
Follow me on tumblr @duskrelyk !
> 
> Thank you so so much for reading Chapter 5! I'm sorry that it took so long, I was really preoccupied with university... for the whole year... I take a lot of credits. I do, however, plan on finishing this fic, so thank you for sticking with me! (I am taking summer classes though, so... I will do my best!)  
Anyway! A huge thank you to my betas @nomoreweepinganymore and @strawberryjehan on tumblr. Also my sister, who doesn't know anything about the show, but is studying creative writing at university, so I trust her.  
xoxo
> 
> This chapter is very loosely based on the song Fool by Cavetown.  
The official audio can be found here:  
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gJgHSLAxXYc


	6. Nobody Scares Me But You

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Self-destructive ideations/actions, unhealthy eating habits, mentions of alcohol

It was Saturday and TJ had a huge headache. He definitely drank too much at the party last night. It was already noon, but he had just woken up. There was a water bottle on the desk next to his bed, presumably put there by Cyrus, who was currently watching a video on his laptop across the room. TJ reached over, unscrewed the cap, and drank the whole thing in one go.

Cyrus looked up at the movement and took out his earbuds. “Oh, you’re awake. How are you feeling?" 

TJ slumped back down into the bed and said, "My head is killing me."

Cyrus hopped off his bed and rummaged through his backpack before pulling out two bottles: ibuprofen and another water. He shuffled over to TJ's bed and handed them over.

TJ poured out four pills and took them with a swig of water. Cyrus cocked an eyebrow, but didn't say anything as he took back the medicine. As he put it away, he said, “Are you hungry?” TJ nodded, and Cyrus tossed him a granola bar he pulled from his bag. “I’m gonna go get a snack from the vending machine, do you want me to bring you back anything?” TJ shook his head, his mouth full.

Cyrus’ mouth curled into a half-smile, and he said, “If you’re sure. I’ll be back in a few.”

TJ swallowed. “Okay”

Cyrus grabbed his phone, put on his shoes, and left the room.

TJ’s heart sank and he went back to sleep.

\---

TJ woke up to a knock at the door. He looked at his phone. It was just after five, and his headache was gone. Before he could move, Cyrus, who had likely returned from his mini outing hours ago, got up from his chair at his desk and opened the door. Jonah was standing there, and he said, “Hey, Cyrus! Marty is out on a date with Buffy, so I was wondering if you and TJ wanted to come to dinner with me!” 

Cyrus immediately said, “Yeah, sure!” TJ wasn’t surprised. 

Not wanting to be a third wheel, TJ simply said, “I’m good.” 

Cyrus frowned. “Do you still have a hangover? I could stay if you need me to.”

TJ shook his head. “Seriously, I’ll be fine.”

Cyrus looked skeptical, but nodded. “Okay. Don’t hesitate to text or call if you need anything, okay?”

TJ made an affirmative noise, and Cyrus left with Jonah.

\---

Two hours had passed, during which TJ was watching videos and trying to ignore his incoming math exam and the fact that Cyrus was hanging out with his crush who wasn’t TJ.

His phone made a jingling sound, the custom text notification sound for Cyrus. The message read, “I’m gonna go to the library to do some psych research, won’t be back til late. Text me if you need anything”. 

TJ sighed and closed his laptop. He wasn’t tired, but he also didn’t feel like being awake anymore. He had been wearing Friday’s outfit all day, after having fallen asleep in them the previous night, and he felt disgusting, so he decided to take a shower before going to bed for the evening. 

He turned up the temperature on the shower water until it was almost too hot to bear. He just stood there under the scalding water for what felt like ages, thinking about Cyrus and Jonah and his test and how he was going to fail math. He almost couldn’t tell if the stinging in his eyes was from the hot water or tears. Almost.

He berated himself for crying and started to slowly wash his hair and body, scrubbing off last night’s alcohol smell and the sticky, terrible feeling of Reed’s kisses. He regretted approaching him and letting him touch his body that way, or at all. Regardless, he felt guilty for leaving Reed there, against his better judgement. He was drunk and wasn’t ready and he didn’t want it, he just wanted to feel something other than what Cyrus’ rejection made him feel.

He couldn’t resent Cyrus, though. If he knew anything from his brief flings with girls, you couldn’t force yourself or anybody else to like someone, no matter how hard you tried.  
And Jonah was nice, and cute, and talented. TJ understood, he did. A guy as amazing as Cyrus would never fall for a guy like him.

He shut the water off, dried himself, and put on a fresh pair of boxers before turning the light off and slipping under his sheets. 

\---

It was Tuesday evening and TJ was lying on his bed with his eyes closed listening to the Cavetown playlist Cyrus had made for him back in August. The song “Night Knuckles” had just ended, progressing onto “Talk to Me” when he heard the door open, signaling Cyrus’ return.

TJ felt the mattress shift below him, meaning he was no longer alone on the bed. Cyrus reached out and touched TJ’s arm which made him finally open his eyes. Cyrus thrust a sandwich wrapped in cling wrap at him and said, “Eat. I stole it from the dining hall.”

TJ sat up and said, “I’m not hungry.”

“Yes you are, just eat it.”

TJ wanted to protest, but his stomach betrayed him. He hadn’t eaten yet, and he was practically starving. He gingerly unwrapped the sandwich and took a bite. 

They sat in silence for a moment before Cyrus said, “You skipped your classes again today.”

TJ swallowed. “Yeah.”

“That’s the second day in a row.” Cyrus looked concerned and so goddamn cute.

TJ looked away. “I lied and emailed my profs saying I was sick. It’s fine.”

“When’s your math exam?”

“Friday.”

“Are you ready?”

TJ took another bite and swallowed again. _No._ He put on a fake smile. “There’s a review session in class tomorrow.”

Cyrus saw straight through him, though. “Are you gonna go? You haven't left the room since…” He trailed off.

TJ finished his sentence for him. “The party.” He didn’t want to think about it.

Cyrus bit his lip. “Yeah.”

TJ finished the first half of his sandwich as they sat without a word.

A minute passed before Cyrus broke the silence. “TJ…”

TJ froze. He knew what was about to come. Cyrus was going to bring up the moment he’d been replaying in his head over and over-- the moment he said he wanted to kiss him. He was going to tell him he didn’t feel the same way. He would try to let him down gently, because he’s _Cyrus_, but TJ knew he would be heartbroken. _Fuck_. He braced himself for the worst and said, “Yeah?”

“Are you okay?”

TJ was taken completely by surprise, and the only word his mind supplied was, “What?”

Cyrus turned to face TJ more directly. “Are you okay?”

TJ lied. “I’m fine.”

Cyrus smiled sadly. “TJ, I know you well enough to know you’re not fine.” TJ took a deep breath to keep himself from tearing up. “You’ve done some pretty self-destructive things lately.”

“What do you mean?”

“Like--” Cyrus shifted his weight nervously, drew in a long breath, and exhaled slowly, as if to give him time to collect his thoughts. “You drank a lot, way too much, you tried walking home alone drunk, which is more dangerous than you might think, you’ve been skipping classes, you haven’t left the room or eaten properly in days, and you…” Cyrus turned away. “You made out with Reed while drunk, and then went upstairs to--”

“I didn’t. We didn’t.” TJ said it quickly, urgently. He felt like he needed to explain himself to Cyrus, because he liked him, even if Cyrus didn’t like him back. He didn’t want to be associated with Reed. He didn’t want Cyrus to have the wrong idea.

Cyrus looked at him. “TJ, what’s wrong? Why did you do all of that?”

TJ’s thoughts swam quickly through his head. _Just tell him. Tell him you love him. Tell him you’re jealous of Jonah and sad that he rejected you and on top of everything--_ “I’m going to fail math because I’m stupid, and then I’ll lose my scholarship, and I’ll have to drop out, and then I won’t be able to get an acting job, and then I’ll be a failure, and I’ll disappoint my mom, and--”

“TJ!” Cyrus cut him off, grabbing one of TJ’s hands in his own. TJ’s breathing was heavy and his heart was pounding hard against his ribcage. Even so, Cyrus’ hand on his calmed him down, just a little. “TJ. You’re catastrophizing.”

TJ had never heard this word before. “I’m what?”

Cyrus squeezed his hand, making TJ blush a little. “You’re already assuming you’re going to fail, and you’re jumping to conclusions about how that will lead to a catastrophe.”

TJ shook his head. “But it’s true, I’m going to fail, and then my GPA will tank.”

“How much is the exam worth?”

TJ had been agonizing enough over it to know the answer immediately. “Twenty percent.”

“And what’s your grade right now?”

TJ raised his free hand to his face to cover it, before mumbling, “It’s a D.”

Cyrus used his other hand to bring TJ's hand away from his face, both of his hands now holding TJ’s. “Okay, so if you do well on this exam, it could raise your grade, right?”

_Well, theoretically, yeah, but--_ “I’m too stupid, I can’t do it.”

“TJ.” Cyrus’ voice is soft, but unwavering. He looked TJ dead in the eye. “You’re not stupid.”

TJ never liked crying in front of others. He didn’t want to look weak. But the man sitting across from him didn’t look at him any differently as he brought a hesitant hand to TJ’s face and wiped away a falling tear. He repeated himself. “You’re not stupid. Everyone has different strengths. And look at you!” Cyrus scooted closer. “You’re an amazing actor, and you’re a great pianist, too! On top of all that, you’re a really good friend when I need you.” 

TJ laughed a little cynically. “Okay, but those things aren’t useful, and they definitely don’t make me smart.”

Cyrus pressed his lips together. “TJ, there are many different types of intelligences. According to the psychologist Howard Gardner, there are nine.” Cyrus held up his fingers to count. “There’s bodily-kinesthetic, linguistic, intrapersonal, interpersonal, spatial, naturalist, musical, logical-mathematical, and existential.” He started gesturing wildly, clearly excited by the subject. “I can name several of those that you excel at, and several other ones that I excel at. Being good at math is just one of the ways to be smart TJ. And besides, being a good artist and person doesn’t make you useless. People need art like theatre, books, music, and painting to inspire them or help them understand themselves or even just to entertain. That’s not useless. It’s not a bad thing to want to do. And even so.” Cyrus got more serious, leaning toward TJ and placing his hands back on TJ’s. “You don’t have to be useful to deserve things like food. That’s just the bullshit capitalist society we live in telling you that.” 

TJ noted distantly that this was the first time he had heard Cyrus swear. He smiled. “You sure do know a lot about that, don’t you?”

Cyrus smiled back. “I find it interesting.”

They sat there like that for a bit before TJ remembered what they were talking about. “Okay, so, let’s say I’m not stupid. I still suck at math, and I still need to pass.”

Cyrus sat up straighter. “We can work on that! We could study together, and get you one of those free tutors from the library, and you could get a C, which is all you need to pass the gen ed requirements!”

TJ wasn’t sure if it would work, but seeing Cyrus so determined made him give in. He sighed and said, “Okay.”

Cyrus squeezed his hands again. “Okay.” Cyrus got up off the bed and went to pull up another chair at TJ’s desk. “You finish eating and then we can start. We can at least figure out the hardest stuff so you know what you should ask about at the review tomorrow.”

\---

About an hour of semi-diligent studying passed before the two men heard a knock at the door. TJ moved to get up but Cyrus stopped him and said, “I’ll get it. You keep studying.”

Despite Cyrus’ words, TJ stopped and watched Cyrus answer the door. It was Jonah and Marty. Jonah smiled brightly. “Hey Cyrus! Marty and I are about to go to late-night, did you two wanna join?” 

Cyrus looked back at TJ and said, “No, it’s okay. We’re studying. But--” He dug in his pocket and handed Jonah a five dollar bill. “If you could bring us back some snacks when you get back, that would be great.”

Marty smiled behind Jonah and said, “Sure thing! Good luck studying!” The two men at the door waved goodbye to Cyrus and TJ, and Cyrus shut the door.

TJ was puzzled. “Wouldn’t you rather spend time with Jonah? I can do this by myself.”  
Cyrus waved a hand and said, “Nah, it’s okay, I had dinner with him earlier. Besides, he has Marty, and I wanna help you study.”

Before he could stop himself, TJ replied, “But don’t you like him?”

Cyrus looked up quickly, flustered. “What? No.”

TJ mustered up his acting skills to create a realistic looking smile. “Cyrus, you’re blushing. And you said you liked someone before. It’s easy to guess who.”

Cyrus turned back toward the desk, looking away from him. “He’s not the one I like.” His words sounded calculated as if he was thinking about each one before he said it.

TJ almost allowed himself to be hopeful before he remembered that Cyrus had rejected him at the party when he let slip that he wanted to kiss him. “Oh.”

Cyrus looked like he was trying to act nonchalant and failing.”You like Reed, right?”

TJ was caught off-guard by Cyrus’ assumption, though perhaps he shouldn’t have been. He did drunkenly kiss him, after all, even if it wasn’t for the reasons Cyrus obviously thought. But he didn’t say any of that. He just said, “What?”

Cyrus bit his lip and said, “You’re pretty obvious.”

“I-- No. I was just drunk. I wasn’t thinking straight.” 

Cyrus turned to TJ. He looked hurt behind his smile, but it would have been imperceptible to someone that hadn’t known him so well. “Like when you said you wanted to kiss me.” He turned back away, and TJ saw a hand dart up to his eye, as if to dry a tear. _Is he crying? Maybe…_

In a stroke of courage, TJ reached out a hand and turned Cyrus’ face towards his. “The Reed thing was a mistake. I don’t have any feelings for him, and I sure as hell don’t want to even see him again, let alone kiss him.”

Cyrus searched TJ’s eyes for a minute, before asking, softly, “What are you saying?”

TJ wanted to run away again, but he forced himself to stay. He needed to know. “Do I know him? The guy you like.”

Cyrus’ blush deepened, and after a beat he said, “Yes.”

TJ leaned forward barely a millimeter. “Okay.”

Cyrus echoed his question. “What about you? Do I know the guy you like?”

TJ felt his face grow hotter and said, “Yes.”

“Okay.”

They both stared into each other’s eyes, TJ’s hand still on Cyrus’ face where he touched it to turn it. They were just inches away from each other.

_I need to know._

“Can I kiss you?”

Cyrus looked at TJ’s lips and swallowed. “Yes.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In which the boys experience some of the aftermath of the party.  
Follow me on tumblr @duskrelyk !
> 
> Thank you so so much for reading this chapter! It's the longest so far, and I actually put some real research into this one, so I'm quite proud of it. A huge thank you again to my betas @nomoreweepinganymore and @strawberryjehan on tumblr. Also my sister, who, for once, was the first one to read the chapter.  
xoxo
> 
> This chapter was loosely based on the songs "Night Knuckles", "Talk to Me", and "Nostalgia in My Bedroom" by Cavetown, which can be found here, in order:  
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MvUG4-rNLjs  
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PHV1wZ7tzoA  
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ovFIoHnimpc


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